Fear

David and I saw The King's Speech last week. It was amazing how many of the actors had also appeared in Harry Potter movies. There must not be very many English actors. The reluctant King George VI hated public speaking, which is highly unfortunate because that seems to be the bulk of a king's job. He had a stammer, which was more pronounced when he was nervous or highly emotional. All his adult life he sought help from therapists, to no avail. The movie is about his relationship with the speech therapist that was able to help him. As they became friends, the speech therapist helped the king realize that his stammer went deeper than his public speaking jitters. Rather, the king experienced the world with a fearful heart, and this was manifested through his lost voice.

The movie has affected me because I very much identified with the king. Being afraid, ironically, is my biggest fear. And in many ways, I'm really not afraid. I'm not afraid to try things I've never done, I'm not afraid to jump off high places, I'm not afraid of moving to a place I don't know anyone, I'm not afraid to meet and be around people who are different than me, I'm not afraid of being poor. But I am afraid of people. Not all people, but many people.

All my life I have felt like I didn't quite "fit" with any of the various groups I've been a part of, although I usually managed to feel connected with a few individuals within the groups. I have struggled with social anxiety since at least middle school, and as an adult, one of my biggest pains is that I have extreme difficulty making close friends. I have many friendly acquaintances, but it has been a while since I've made a close friend.

I've also always felt that I am more than I am. I feel like I have all this potential, but I can't tap it. I am almost a very useful person, but this quality of fear strangles much of my usefulness.

What I am afraid of? I'm afraid I won't be cool enough or holy enough or smart enough or funny enough for people to like me. What exactly I'm afraid of depends on the group or person, but it all comes down to being afraid of rejection. Some may respond to fear of rejection by trying to seem cool or holy or smart or funny, but I respond by recoiling. You can't be rejected if you don't put yourself out there, after all. But you can't be known, loved and accepted if you don't put yourself out there either.

Abraham Lincoln said, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." Maybe this quote is intended for people who have the opposite problem, the problem of thinking too little about what they do and say, rather than thinking too much about they do or say. I prefer this quote by Elbert Hubbard (whoever that is): "The greatest mistake a man can ever make is being afraid to make one."

This is why I need to learn to be open. While this may be highly personal, I believe that openly acknowledging my difficulty in this area is a good first step.