Having. Feelings.

I was grumpy this morning, but didn't know why. No lack of sleep, allergies or other type of physical discomfort, so there must be something else going on.

"I don't know why I'm so cranky," I said to David. "I'm just having feelings."

Feelings seem to sneak up on me. Most of the time I'm feeling fine, satisfied, generally good. Then all of a sudden I'm having feelings and it's not clear exactly what they are or what's causing them. I'm talking about negative feelings here; positive feelings are not usually confusing for me.

I talked at David for a few minutes, in attempt to identify the nature of my feelings, then David prayed for me. I think he hit the nail on the head. I don't remember exactly what he said, but it was something about living life to its fullest. A lot of my dissatisfaction comes from feeling like I'm not living life to its fullest.

But I think I'm constantly misunderstanding what it means to live life to its fullest. When I look at my Facebook news feed I begin to feel like living life to its fullest means "checking in" somewhere and tagging a few friends who are there with me. I begin to feel like its taking photos doing cool things and being silly with friends. I begin to think that living life to its fullest means being busy, having an active social life and having something to show for my time.

In reality, when you're living life to its fullest, one result may be having an active social life. But having an active social life does not imply living life to its fullest. This is where the confusion sets in, I start going after the wrong things and am repeatedly disappointed.

Last Sunday Martin Ban of Christ Church in Santa Fe preached at All Saints. He was in town to speak at our church's men's retreat, with the topic being "Holy Risk." I really recommend listening to his talks, which are posted on the All Saints website. Risk, I think, is really what living life to its fullest is all about. The risk Martin Ban talks about is the risk of opening yourself up to other people. Being open and ready to invite people into your life, and being open and ready to accept invitations from others. He talks about being open to receive anybody, especially people with whom a relationship seems unlikely. The risks of this are great: you risk rejection from the people you open yourself up to, you risk rejection from friends who don't think you should be doing that, you risk being misunderstood. But the rewards are also great. Who ever lived life to its fullest by always doing what's easiest and most comfortable?