Floating around and coming together

I feel like I just sweated all of this week out through my pores. Sometimes this sensation is glorious, but sometimes it just ain't pretty. Today was less pretty. I had a hard time getting deep into my poses and staying there was even more difficult. It was incredible effort to open anything and transitions left me feeling light-headed. It's odd to experience these difficulties when you know that muscular strength and flexibility are not the cause. Indeed, my muscles feel strong and limber; it's the rest of me that doesn't. I think these are growing pains.

Last night as I was going to bed, random thoughts that have been floating around for months all came together, so I wrote them down:

*I think I have some good qualities, but not many of them make me an excellent employee.

*David likes it when I smell like soap and I like it when he smells like himself.

*I have handwriting fonts. Sometimes I decide to change my handwriting and sometimes it just changes.

*When I was 19 I went to Spain to study the language and explore the culture. I didn't miss my friends at home, but I longed for intimacy. I found a Spanish boy fairly quickly.

*Why not? Give it a chance. That has been my attitude.

*For someone as naturally introspective as I am, I sure don't understand myself very well.

*I feel that I am more than I am. Is that because my parents always told me I was special? (link) Or is it unrealized potential? Is it because I don't understand the fullness of my identity?

Last night it seemed strange that these particular thoughts would be coming to me at the same time. But I think I'm coming to realize that I have felt a life-long disconnect between me and...myself. Somehow. Not to say that I don't know anything about myself, because surely I do. I know what I like to do, I know what I want for my future, I know my interests, I know many of my strengths and weaknesses, I have seen patterns in my thought and behavior. The "knowing myself" I'm talking about it more subtle. Like how it surprises me nearly every time I cry.

Recently I have had a few instances where I felt like I knew myself and it was wondrous: I had a couple strange, detailed dreams that made sense to me in the morning. A few times I allowed someone to give me something and found that it was exactly what I needed, even though I had been only vaguely aware of the need.